Spirituality Check

You know that feeling when sometimes things feel so dull, things happen routinely everyday and you feel bored in a way that you yourself cannot understand or explain. When you look at things, you have good family and friends surrounding you but you keep hoping for something better beyond your own control. You are in a foreign land, deserted, estranged and you start hoping you could have a home but still you can never save enough to have one and maybe you can say never.

I am kind of battling that thought and feeling most of the time. Being here in the desert simply doesn't help. Or maybe being here simply doesn't matter at all, but still I admire the American friends I know who are brave enough to go out during the day without their husbands. Somehow living in a desert really made me feel deserted in my own home, alone and bound within the four walls of this small apartment.  I wonder, will it ever make difference if we're not in the desert right now, or I might as well be whining about the negativeness in other places. 

But then,  you still tried almost everything to lift up yourself, you feel uplifted for a while and next  you still find yourself wallowing there with that same feeling that just keeps coming back no matter how you tried to escape it. I really hope I could be as strong as the other good women that I know out there who walks with grace, faith and strong testimony in their lives no matter how difficult things goes and who never get depressed. 

Today, I had conversation with some friends who asked me why testimony of the gospel is not enough to endure it all. When you try to imagine a spirituality chart to evaluate how you are doing, you could either find it ascending or descending but never constant. There are times you feel your spirituality is uplifted, but you cannot stop and have a break from doing the things that keeps your spirituality growing, like reading the scriptures, attending church and temple, or paying tithing. If you stop from doing one or more of the things that nourishes and keeps your spirituality strong, you can never expect to go back in the same level of spirituality you had before you decided to put these good things aside, you know the line descended a little bit or a lot and you need to do things that will nourish and let it grow again. Once you've done the covenants, the most difficult point will arise, that is enduring it all and keeping the chart ascending. 

Maybe if I will be grateful enough I will find more reasons to be happy and spiritually uplifted, or I should be humble enough to accept what is given to me, or if I manage my time wisely to accommodate the arising duties and responsibilities I have with my family I could find more time for my spiritual nourishment.  Or maybe tomorrow, women will be allowed to do more in this desert box and things will lighten up as I try to keep my spiritual progress go up.